Julian Dylan

A combination of different things is making me crave for changes. The big inspiration is having been to San Francisco over three years ago and I, since then, had been hoping for rather immediate life transformation. After realizing that it wasn’t possible, I’ve considered re-focusing some of my attention to other things such as spending more quality time with my mom, re-connecting to my old habits, exploring other activities that doesn’t involve friends, and devoting some ‘me’  time whenever I get a chance – or should I say whenever I get away from my Mon-Fri/11-7pm prison? It feels great though. I don’t know, but it does. However, the “doing it alone” does appear to have that negative connotations, I think, to most people. Perhaps that idea when actualized, perceived or otherwise, a self-beneficial interest of solitaire, that space is ULTRA-essential between you and the rest of the world.

I think part of the cons of being fascinated with solitaire confinement is that you dodge every single human being and their respective, possibly shady interests and agendas go bouncing off the wall. As I live my life each day, year after year, I’m finding out that I’m wanting different things or actually valuing different things. Analogically, much like dating that every single failed candidate, you clearly see what you want and what you don’t want. Prospects give you all levels of perspective satisfaction, and in return, we tend to search for whomever that person is who would otherwise ‘go with the flow’ with your own conclusion or reasoning and discard anyone that doesn’t suit your perspective. I quite frankly may slightly have that problem, which I have to admit I need to re-shape it for good. I need to be more open-minded and able to accept different sides of life and people for their individuality.

I’m so ready to take another vacation. I could use a long, stress-free, warm (low humidity) environment, where not a single conference call would even have the ability coming through my phone circuit. Definitely a place where absolutely no reception, other than 911 calls, for any type of calls to get through. I need to invest more of the me  time – quality me time – so that I can get to know myself again.

Good thing the weather has been calming down a bit. I would have been gaining a few here and there, otherwise. Quite honestly, I have been slacking beyond big time in working out and I think partly because of my crazy schedule and workload lately. “De-workaholizing myself, too, is on the list of things I need to do! I’m too much a movie slut, if you will, that I would give up a somewhat moderate day for a good ‘ole Marvel movie with cheddar cheese popcorn.

So, today’s horoscope is on the spot, yet again. I’m taking it to mean that I have to be extra careful when making decisions and that there’s a limit to what you can do at a given time, at a given place, and at a given situation, and what changes I should make and figure out the best way how to implement them:

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The new moon focuses on emotions and feelings, and generates high levels of wisdom and sensitivity. You’ll be in a strong position to calm and soothe a minor quandary, and you’ll be able to keep all parties happy without having to take sides. Don’t allow this issue to absorb all of your time today, though!

Probably dreaming or imagining what their “true meaning” should be, perhaps for most, are relatively painless. Every mile stones in our life we seem to associate with some sort of evaluation as to whether they are what we needed, or should have, or wanted. We often debate their value and lots of times we never really go by these categories. Life just goes as it wants to, as it needs to, and as it should. Things just happens for a reason. What that is or are remains a question.

What I refer to as “things” on this note may include the typical actual materials, the day-to-day events in our life, the easy and rather difficult decisions we make each day, the people around us that most believe to be “what make the world go around”, the hopes we continue to seek, our wishes that someday will come true, “the” relationship we desire. All of these are perhaps to some extent true in the sense of our relationship to them, why and how we conquer these things, hold them in our possesion, remain hopeful they will all come true. One would say our bond to everything surrounding us is the mightiest of them all, in all positive aspects whatever that maybe. But, mightiest may also mean the hardest, the darkest of all time, in which our emotions, our minds, our actions are based upon.

Relationship, a word for most is too powerful, is truly powerful in the context of intimate bond between two persons, whether gay or straight. This bond brings the best and worst of people and is something that can be developed and by which each person is inspired because of something they feel or think greater than themselves. But, as what many of you know, what is created can be destroyed and from which it can be rebuilt.

I see an important question, from talking about what I think relationship is, is how to make one. What do you need to build one? Must one have the ability to do so?

Everyone has the ability to develop relationships, most importantly within themselves and, of course, for people around them. Most would say that is an easy and light mountain to move – but little as one might know that is an incredible task, to some folks, that can never be easy. At times people are afraid of relationships; turn their back away from commitments and rather keep disconnected to some extent comfortable for them. Perhaps, in their alone time they ask the questions “Why can it be easy? Why things must be hard? Why am I afraid of it? Is it all about me?”.

Relationship teaches us a lot of different things. A lot of it is about ourselves. Something about ourselves we don’t seem to be aware until we see ourselves in the context of others. Many of us wonder what else is about is we don’t know about. The characters we make ourselves in, the attitude we project to others, what they can and cannot appreciate, and the character we are meant to be. Knowing and appreciating yourself and your potentiality plays a significant role in our relationships to others.

What people often see on the outside is the projection of our inner mentality and emotions, perhaps a preview of what we really are on the inside. Each of us, and not just Gemini’s, do play the good and evil side of us depending upon what is going on around us. There is the all-natural angelic side of us and the other is the “never try to push my button” type of personality. This reminds me of something like Hulk. On the outside, you see him “get angry” when provoked most especially if the love of his life is in jeopardy. And, only she can diffuse him only with her gentle touch and soft spoken voice. In a lot of ways, we are somewhat like Hulk. As Hulk might look unreal and scary, he has a good side of him. A good side which can turn into someone’s nightmare when provoked and/or questioned.

Conceptually in real life, we turn ourselves into this very often, and a lot of times other people motivates the evil part of us take over. So the question is – how do we control this? What must one have to do? In the context of relationship, the so called “give and take” can do it all for you. This isn’t something conveniently abundant and easy access for everyone to have but this does take a whole lot of work. A whole lot maybe an exaggeration; however, exploring ourselves in all layers is required whether our being fit in this “give and take” method, if you will.

Perhaps, I would consider that as one of the important elements in a relationship. In a relationship will teach you how to give and learn how to take. Neither giving or taking is an easy task. It requires sub-standardizing expectations, if you will, allowing time to learn more about your chemistry towards the other person. Again, this isn’t a quick and easy job! It does take a lot of patience, positive attitude and outlook in a relationship, the undying passion with which you take every single step and hurdles along the way. Truth is – all true with your head help up high!

As I grow older and my life continue to unfold before my eyes, I see many people afraid from their lives, suffer from their failures and fears, reserved from making decisions and taking risks, and people with their future completely taken over by their past. Perhaps their past too painful to let go and/or part of themselves are somewhat embedded into it and can’t seem to cut the rope pulling them back.

This is when reflection to oneself is very important. Question whether your relationship built within you is as strong as it should be. Likelihood is both, either yes or no. As one famous writer and inspiration to all, “Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em”. Some are born strong, some are born weak, some are born bound to be strengthen or weaken — and I think everyone do have that potential to be strong and become the person they are meant to be.

And, in additon, everyone is bound to bond with someone intimately. A healthy and productive relationship can be at hand, if you want it. And when you do, it’s not the same as the genie in the bottle that all it takes it a rub or two — but believe it or not, a work is at hand to make a good relationship to work. It’ll work if you make it to work. I’m no doctor about these things but I believe unconditional love, credible trust, and undenying loyalty makes it all happen. Just think, it’s not all about you, it’s a “us” and a “we”. Putting them first before you is what is all about.

Just believe in it. A coin toss will NOT help figure out how living should be. Living in this world is full of relationship to things and your fellow human beings. It is up to you how to live it. As an old man said to me before “you only live once, live it at your best”.

EDIT: I am inspired to write this about my two cents regarding relationships. Someone who is dear to me and will always be. My heart goes above and beyond to this person and wishing nothing but the best.

I have to be honest — I’m a little impatient and anxious. I keep oscillating the idea of moving either now or after achieving my CAE designation in two years. At the moment, my mind tells me wait until I get that three-letter designation after my name, find a job in the west coast, then move. But, even then, I’m still not sure how things would turn out. Will it be how I imagined it? Or will it be beyond what I would have expected, in a good way? Or not.

Everyday I ask those questions, and you know what keeps me trudging along is the fact that I have the undying love from my family and the incredible support from my friends and, of course, the desire that someday I’ll intersect with what they call ‘special someone’. For whatever reason, I feel that someone out there in California is holding his breath until I “touch down”. And, because my experience here in Washington, DC to find someone worth dating have failed almost every attempt and that if I don’t do anything and everything in my power to relocate, I would be passing a great opportunity to finally meet that mysterious soul-mate. Odd I would say but it certainly feels unimaginably real. It feels like a dream you would never, not for one second, want to wake up from. So real that it’s hard to let go.

Then, I realized, however, that this isn’t just about me. Could it be something else, other than what I wish in life? I’m hyper-aware of everything that would take to make this a reality, the unanticipated consequences that comes with it, the sacrifices and hard work of it all, and the heartache of being away from love ones, and most especially, surviving it all independently. And, all in the name of independence. All in the name of my interest in pursuing a new home, a new life, a new beginning. Despite of all this raging desires and ambitions, reflections brings an important question — are you really up for it? Do I have what it takes? Is this what you really want? The what seems endless “what if’s” scenarios keep flashing back in front of me, continually posing these questions — and finding answers to them is slowly becoming a real challenge.

I wish it is not happening in the way things are going, but I get it… If I had more control over things, they would not be the way they are.

I wish that I can get up one morning and decide to move to wherever I want. California just happened to be where most of my family friends and relatives live. Though I have cousins in New York, I am reluctant with the idea of living in New York. I’m sure New York is as enjoyable as San Francisco – but I’d rather be cruising out in the west coast, where some of us — gay people — would feel ‘at home’, if you know what I mean. It is a place, certainly more lenient with any type of lifestyle you wish to live and not feel judged. As much as that sounded unrealistic (judgments happens everywhere), you can call this place Home. A place where you’d feel the world isn’t on you for a change.

I’ve got it bad, really bad…but there’s nothing bad about this. All I want to do is find myself some place new, able to spark endless possibilities, create a new direction for my career and essentially build my family–and again all in the name of being me. Also to prove myself I can do this on my own outside my family supporting me and that I can make my achievements and get through struggles preferably with no one’s help, but mine. I just hope that I don’t lose the burning interest in me and that I move forward with achieving my goals no matter what it takes. If time is what’s at stake, I will spare it. If money is what it needs, I will afford it. If leaving my family would involve it, I will have to compromise my longing. All of that I will need to consider when that time comes. In order to get where I want to be, I’ll have to close my eyes and bite the bullet. I hope my support system will continue pushing me forward.

I’m usually determined to get what I want – but, at this point in time, I will have to slow down my engine and take one thing at a time. I’m sure I’ll get to where I want to be in no time. With a little patience and remaining focused, I’m sure I’ll find myself waking up to a beautiful sunny Cali. The road to success is there; all it takes is a ride and go over bumps along the way. Keep telling myself “hard work will make reward sound sweet at the end”.

Sorry this whole entry was slightly mushy and perhaps annoying – but the numbness of my robotic heart finally start to wear off and now longing for what it needs.

EDIT: I know I blogged about this before and probably getting old now – but I just wanted to sparks those firey moments as volcanoes does with their hell-heated lavas from time to time. Entries like this may be the theme for a little while until when I have rather significant milestone to talk about. This entry is indicative of my rather impatience and self-centric ego to live in California! If me moving to San Francisco doesn’t turn very well, at least I have a home I can always come back to. But, at least I gotta try it. That’s the only way. Wish me luck. I need it!

I was once loved and cared by you alone
You comforted me then, now and forever long
Your warmth, touch, and presence said it all
I find no one else that I can claim “my all”

Your love and passion carried me through far away
From my world of deep misery to your mighty way
Not scared at all to fall and break around you
Because I feel you are there to catch me blue

Your words in the morning light lift my spirit up
Your voice makes it all fine from the ground up
I just can’t imagine without you by my side
My world will fall by my feet deep and wide

My heart of mine sees everything with greatness
Not sure how to reciprocate with much gentleness
With such fear in me drives my soul shamelessly
For you don’t deserve misery after saving me

Too deep in my own world that love doesn’t exists
Should have loved you and feel how love truly sees
I don’t want to hurt you so run away and stay far
Love someone who have already won their own war

I’m battling myself for many and different reasons
I just wish I can get over it with learned lessons
So that I can move on with my life feeling happy
I want to feel love once again and be sturdy

I need you along my side watch me grow on my own
Brush me from time to time when I feel alone
Love is such a beautiful thing to waste
I’m willing to go anywhere beyond my ways

Sorry that I have hurt you in one way or another
Don’t know how to go one step being a lover
I wanna share my my life with you so deeply
But, I can’t love anyone until I love me

Spotted this fine young man with a smile on his face
Took a step or two closer while I was amazed
Speechless I was, but he shook my hand and said “Hi”
Chemistry was incredible, painful to say “Goodbye”

After that night connection continued on building
Made every possible minute my chest exploding
Unaware of myself I fell in to my great weakness
Finally someone will save me from deep loneliness

I faithfully stood back, watched ourselves grow emotionally
Not seeing him can sometimes be mentally exhausting
Oblivious to reality that we both were separate individuals
And that our selves were made realistically unequal

A day or two my phone didn’t ring, he was yet to call
Emailed him, texted him, called him – I did it all
What did I do or didn’t do? Or said or didn’t say?
Told myself “Is this yet another game to play?”

Up until now those moments remained as mystery
Unfounded answers left me nothing but worry
I still wish for one day I’ll get an insight from him
Say unspoken words and offer him everything

What did hurt me the most was being so close
Couldn’t help myself but go on and not pause
I wish I had seen what our paths could have been
It’s too late for it now but memories are worth keepin’

Time went by so fast that it’s summer yet again
Tonight is going to be better than ever…all over again
Those shining stars up in the sky that night are the same
Winked at them and said “Am I up for another game?”

My quest for love will lead on and is becoming stronger
Failings exists only now in my past, they’re to guide me better
I will keep my head up and never give up
Love will come in no time and stars are there to watch.

That’s the norm at my job for a while now but I feel like sometimes to vent out and get some of things on my mind out of me. It makes me feel lighter.

I came back a couple of weeks ago from Providence, RI for a business trip and I loved that trip. I was there for four days and I did what I can to enjoy my stay there. I met up with my abstract management people whom I’ve been working with for the last a year and a half. It was nice to have met them in person. Quite interesting group of people: different personalities and yet quite professional. There were many of us who represented many major associations in the metropolitan DC area and some were from other states. I proudly represented my client professionally throughout the conference. I’ve learned so much about what the company is all about and what they do, what they can do, and what not. Knowing and learning what the others do and how they manage their programs was quite helpful for me and they seemed happy to share it and I did the same.On the flip side many reporting capabilities that others have was because of what I have established for my client. Many said they’ve modeled their reports from mine as they are purposefully made for specific needs. And I said “Great! Glad I set my client as a good example!”. It is always good to get positive points!

Overall the meeting experience was truly exceptional. I look forward to working more with them and make improvements to our system as we go along.

As part of my tradition, I checked many parts of Providence in a short amount of time. Won’t go into details now but some I was able to do but some I wish I could have done. There were many things definitely that I would have loved to have done but unfortunately I couldn’t afford to lose anymore days off from work. I knew I was coming back to lots of catching up and I was afraid staying longer might make things a bit more complicated. In any case, I had a great time in Providence. I certainly will try and go back and spend more time up there!

So this month I will plan on visiting a good ex co-worker of mine in Pennsylvania. We have not seen each other for quite some time now and I definitely miss her as well as family. Her husband just got accepted in the Navy and will be leaving sometime in May for training. I plan to visit them before he leaves. It’ll be fun!

I will catch up with you on the flip side… see ya!

My January started off with many parties during the first week, then second week was to catch up with work after close to a two-week holiday vacation (totally awesome!!!), then a business trip to New Orleans, LA a couple of weeks ago. I had a fabulous time in New Orleans and that includes meeting Jenene, my ex co-worker who lives in downtown N.O., and getting a sense of what Bourbon St. is like and other great places. She showed me downtown, the French Quarter, Casino, the Super Dome, St. Charles St. where famous and multi-million houses are, drove around following the trolley-tracks, the famous Bourbon St., and a drive-thru Daquiri (don’t ask me!). We had a great time that evening!

In addition to that, my clients and I went to different restaurants for dinner – Red Fish and Palace Cafe. Both of which are well known of their excellent, 5-star dining experience. If you like seafood, this is THE place to be! I had some of their signature dishes and having an authentic cajun food was truly awesome. One other place was Cafe De Mond which is legendry in New Orleans with their beneighs and hot chocolate. If you visit N.O., you most definitely have to visit this place. You’ll be amazed what they have there. No beneighs and of course Jazz music while down there is not a New Orleans visit! So I’ve heard.

Well, as a tradition, I went to “The Oz” which apparently the most popular gay bar/dance club in downtown New Orleans. The joint was pretty interesting in that although it isn’t as big as DC clubs, the clientel was diversed and just plainly hot. What happens in New Orleans stays there, too! LOL. I had a great time that evening but not so much the next day. After having close to ten SOB wasn’t so cool if you need to get up at 6 am for a morning meeting. It sucks. It does. Bad. In anyway, I had a fabulous time!

Now after my meeting it was time to catch up. As it turns out I have absolutely no time to breath from this program as I am due to organize yet another program like right about NOW! I know, tell me about it. I worked my ass off for 10 months for that program and it was over in 3 days. And now, I have to put together another one. What excites me though this time is that the program will be in San Francisco, CA! Woot!!!! So excited! OK, let me be honest, I can’t wait to see Miguel there again. I really can’t wait. Mmmm… anyway… that’s that.

So it turns out I have yet another two-day business meeting in Rhode Island in 3 weeks. I will be meeting with the company that I use for our abstract management. We’ll be discussing how we establish our online system to accept abstracts for our next program which is the one I was just talking about. It will be fun to meet with the people that I communicate via email and phone in person. It’s always nice to put a face to a name. Anyway, I touched base with my guy and we both are highly anticipating each other to discuss business matters. My guy, Scott, is very nice and responsive. I can’t wait to see him in Rhode Island in less than 3 weeks.

After my trip there, my Mom and I might be going to San Francisco for her birthday which will be in March. It may not be the whole week but I want to take her there for the weekend. That would be her birthday gift from me. As I have mentioned it before I’d do anything for me. Anything that makes her happy and also makes me happy.

OK so lots of travel plans so far during my 2009. New Orleans, then Rhode Island, then San Francisco, then probably Blue Ridge Mountains for camping in April for my birthday. We shall see. Point of all of this is that 2009 will offer me lots of great opportunities to travel anywhere and anytime. That’s my goal this year – LOTS OF TRAVEL! So if you have any suggestions, drop me a note and I would much appreciate it.

But, before I even think about my next year’s goal, I want to recapture some things that has happened during this past year that I would like to highlight and remember the good things about them before this year ends as it probably wouldn’t mean as much shortlyafter the new year comes. Because by then I would be all full geared into the new year and excited to have a refreshing start.

This past year, it has been great and eventful. Most of which had something to do with my family, work, and of course, love life. Who couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about that??? A few things I will mention here and some things I won’t, just because I feel it’s just something I want to keep for myself. The following may seem insignificant but I feel like sharing them to you.

Here are some highlights for my year 2008:

• Had a week-long meeting for my client in Washington, DC in January and reconnected with some of the volunteers that work for our association. It was kind of nice to have seen them again.
• Last February was the second year since Silas and I broke up. He’s moved on since then and so did I and we both are in good terms. We, however, don’t talk as much. That’s just the way it is.
• Last March I got an apartment in Manassas, which is only 15 minutes away from my job in Fairfax. Oh, and hear this, only a 5-7 minutes ride to my gym! Woot! I still live there and will still be for a little while… But who knows!
• Also last March I took the Program Development position at my job. I love it and I’m glad that I accepted the offer. There are times, however, that it drives me nuts but I look at it as a learning experience and also to fade away from doing marketing and advertising.
• Last May I had the most fabulous trip ever! Went to San Francisco for a week-long meeting for one of my clients. I must say it has been the best trip thus far. I’ve met Miguel there who showed me some parts of San Francisco especially the gay area of it. Did a whole lot of things with them while I was over there. He was such an amazing, attractive guy. I can’t wait to see him again next year.
• This year has also been my second year being a member of Lifetime Fitness. I’ve met several folks there and also checked them out, too! LMAO! But the real highlight on this is that I’ve been working out a lot more this year than last year. Seeing some difference but I still need to work on my eating habits…and also drinking habits. It’s not so bad but I need to cut down.
• Also this year I went to see my first broadway show called Grease in New York, in which Ace Young and other amazing stage actors and actresses played. It was really awesome and I look forward to going back there again to catch another show.
• Our boss, Jerry, peacefully passed away this year and everyone does feel very awkward to have been left behind by a sweet and loving man. We miss you, Jerry!
• Also this year my stepdad Rob came out of the closet finally. He is now getting to know his true self and making up for all of those years that he didn’t have the opportunity to be himself.
• This year I got to hang out a lot more with my brother and his girlfriend, Risa. I’ve gotten to know her family and not to mention they are very accomodating family.
• My relationship to some people went cold this year simply because of issues that were never addressed. I don’t expect anyone to rebuild it unless of course that’s what they truly want and naturally if I also want it rebuilt. Will not mention their names here but they know who they are.
• Also this year my love life was somewhat on a rocky boat for the most part. It turns out I need someone that has ambitions in life, possesses an active lifestyle, and someone who can make time for me. Met several people over the last year. Some did matter, some I though didn’t matter, and of course some didn’t matter AT ALL!  This quest will continue in 2009 until someone fills in that position. But, for the meantime, I’m a single, happy man.

Now, for 2009, not sure how it is going to turn out. I can only have but so much control but I hope that 2009 has better things in line for me. I know for sure though, however, that I’ll be doing a few travels this year. Coming up is in New Orleans, LA in mid January.

I will blog separately about what I plan to do in 2009. Most likely lots of traveling. I love to travel anytime, anywhere whenever possible.

So that’s 2008! Not so exciting but again some part of maybe lonely but never boring. Never. Happy New Year’s to you…and I shall see you in 2009!

My weekend started off with me and my future sister-in-law (I hope!) at Ned Divines, an Irish Pub, in Sterling. I told her that I’ve been so stressed at work because of the very few days I still have before my holiday vacation (12 days off!!!) and of course with my upcoming business travels in New Orleans, LA in approximately 4 weeks. I felt like I needed a drink or two to top it all off so I wanted to go and unwind for a while. It turned out she wanted to go so it was nice for her to have come with me and then my brother joined us later after work.

As usual, a few folks wanted to make connections with me–but I felt awkward since it was a straight bar. I just didn’t expect coming across with “one of ours” in there…you know what I mean. Anyway, some guy who I think was very attractive (and toned! OMG!) was making himself appealing but I didn’t have the gut to say anything but What’s up!  Normally d-Jae doesn’t make the first move. Not sure why but that’s the way it is. Perhaps in the future I’ll change my approach. At any rate, the night ended up being awesome! Definitely going back there to catch up DJ Ecstasy with some good ‘ole music this Saturday after my job’s holiday party!

Saturday was moving day…well actually it was for my brother and his two friends. I have been suffering from stiff neck during the past week or so ever since I came back from New York.  Long story but all I know is that it still hurts! Anyway, they moved furnitures all day and then after that we had good eats at Risa’s house, then we met two of their friends to go downtown to see the Christmas Tree (see below for pictures). It was really fun! Too bad we didn’t get to take lots of pictures. 10 minutes after getting there they turned the lights off on us as well as the White House. I was like Damnit! Oh, well! We had fun, though, throughout the night after all.

So Sunday we checked out the Dulles Expo in Dulles, VA with their computer/etc. liquidation sale (or whatever). Got a few things reasonably priced. It was really cool. As always I check people out (Ha!). Wanted to make connection with this dude but he wasn’t from the area…so that sucked! But, whatever! After that we went grocery shopping, had good eats (again! and I think I gained two pounds while I was over there for the weekend), then I went down to Woodbridge to see my Mom and Rob because I miss them. Spent 2 hours there then came home and did my laundry. LOL.

Busy weekend, huh?! Yes, it was and I’m still recovering from it. I had fun, we had fun, nevertheless. This weekend, though, is yet another fun and busy weekend. I have three Christmas parties that I have to attend to and one is clubbing. Not sure If I will have the energy to go clubbing but we shall see….

Here’s my horoscope for today…

Glorious influences will reverse the recent somber mood and with an emphasis on support and guidance, it will certainly be worth your while to take in what others are saying. Adopting a pessimistic angle will be counterproductive. There’s nothing to be lost by listening, but much to be gained!

Anyway, hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! As always, have fun and be safe! Here are some of my recent photos. Enjoy!!!

Let me start by saying I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with their family and friends. Mine was really awesome: my family and I celebrated Thanksgiving Day dinner Filipino style and spent time doing what we enjoy the best, BOWLING! Yes, on Thanksgiving Day! Ain’t that crazy? Actually it was crazy and it wasn’t at the same time. In either case, we all had fun and it was kind of nice to see my Mom very happy–to see her sons with her that day. I love my Mom dearly and I’d do anything for her. Absolutely anything.

Now moving on… Workwise, it’s been crazy for the past two months – but this time though was especially hectic as both my boss and I are now coming down to only a few weeks away from our business trip to New Orleans, LA next month. The push had been this 160-page program book that I’ve been working on and fortunately we were able to send it to press for printing procedures, and I mean 1400 copies! I mean it’s nuts!!! I hope I got everything in that book as accurate as anyone could ever imagine. Well, if there were any mistakes, Oh, well! Not the end of the world! (But I would be pissed off, though, however!). So now I’m just tyin’ up some odds and ends for the conference as well as catching up with my regular projects that I have been putting off for quite some time now. They all seem to funnel down at me lately and my goal is to better handle them as I get myself slowly caught up. I’m getting there day by day but it’s a slow process.  Oh, well… it’ll get better…

Despite of all that, I have been religiously going to the gym during most of weeknights and work out. In fact, I have been noticing a dramatic drop with my waist size and actual weight. Because I’ve been doing a significant amount of overall cardio and free weights, my weight thing seem to stay on the same weight neighborhood where I was before. I mean I’ve lost some weight ever since I started working out – but I appear to be “stuck” on 160 lbs. It “roller coaster” slightly from time to time but I guess the muscle weigh it more at the end and I’m sure I’ll be heavier if I keep it up. The beauty of it all is to have the interest in keeping it and maintaining it from “top to bottom”. I’ve already made this 2-hour every day deal a major part of my routine, not only that it gives me something to do but keep my body and health in as best shape as possible or as far as what my body can tolerate. Better toned body I guess is more to love…

As part of my hobbies as well, I went with several friends of mine, including my Mom, to New York City to watch a broadway show called “Grease” in which Ace Young and several amazing actors and actresses played. The show was incredibly entertaining as well as the whole idea of being there with your love ones enjoying something that could turn out to be an awesome hobby. I plan to see other broadway shows here in the DC area such as Rent or Lion King. I heard Rent is coming to town so I will plan to go see that.

In our trip, we went to see Ground Zero which is now just a big giant hole on the ground. Incredible sites was there to see and it continue to remind me how devastating 9/11 was for the whole country. Glad to see the American spirit to come and witness where it all happened and pay respect to those who have died that day. It’s sad. Very sad.

On the brighter side, we went to Times Square, then to the Christmas tree at 30 Rock, then Mama Sbarro’s. It was just awesome. Just awesome! I wouldn’t mind going up there again soon. Like soon. LOL. Oh, and if you want to check out my pictures from my trip (Grease, Times Square, 30 Rock, etc.), go to MySpace or Facebook. I hope you’ll enjoy them!

Now I’ve got things lined up between now and the rest of the year: holiday vacation from Dec 24 – January 4, go see Rent, go see a Washington Capitals hockey game before the year ends, spend some time with family and friends during the holidays, and a business trip to New Orleans, LA, January 13-18, 2009. That’s the schedule for now but it’ll fill up as we head towards Christmas and New Year’s (might to go Times Square!).

Oops! Almost forgot…on the Lovelife department… it’s zero!

Enjoy your holidays! I’ll touch base with you again hopefully before 2008 ends. If not, well have a wonderful Christmas and energetic New Year! Ciao!

(Me, Cecil, and Brian)

(Cecil, Patrick, and Patrick’s GF)

(Cecil, Me, and Risa, my bro’s GF)

(Me and Brian, Cecil’s BF)

(Cecil and Debbie)

We might be hitting Neds this weekend for more fun. We’ll see how it goes. I’m sure it’s gonna be fun!

Close to a month ago was when he and I had a rather blunt, intense conversation about where we were in our relationship and the big question was where should this rather aggressive acquaintance be. At the time he felt that things were just going too fast than he expected and that he felt it was best that he take a “slow” pill while seeing what develops. He was upfront about it, for which I give him credit, and explained that he had just accepted a promotion within his company, which essentially require him to travel 80% of the time uncontrollably for the next three months. I understood what the situation was and expressed that I would try and take things slow and see where it leads us.

Sure enough he’s been traveling back and forth from one state to the other almost every week and there is definitely no stopping and I sure cannot blame him for doing his job! The last time I spoke to him though, however, was yesterday when he finished packing and was about to leave for Lancaster, PA for a five-day training – but he said he will be back on Friday night and will be home for the weekend. He plan to do low-key stuff and try and recuperate from his long week.

But, before all those traveling – being out of town days at at time – took place, he warned me about it, with which he said might make things complex, in terms of getting together, etc. Despite the fact I said I would understand it, I appear to be wanting more to be with him, if possible, everyday…

I stop and ask myself everyday – is this when it’s time to let go?

I knew that he’d tied with traveling but I have never expected it to be this overwhelming travel. Quite frankly it’s driving me nuts. Why? Because I don’t get to see him that much, I sit here and wait until he gets home and hoping he’d be around to see me. I mean really… doesn’t that sound pathetic? Yes, it does.

Time and time again I have told myself do I have the godsend patience to deal with this? I want to see him so bad but it’s almost impossible because he is never around anymore. But, when he is, he’s tied up with something else. Does that send me a message? If you’re reading this, do you get the message? Did anyone else get the message, or is it just me? To be honest, his actions are just as clear the sunny blue sky. The message I get is that he’s too busy and that he couldn’t make time for me anymore. That I can’t seem to believe…or is it just me over-reacting? Not sure what to do really, quite frankly. Should I extend my patience for one more week and see what happens? He said that he’d call me mid this week and see how I’m doing. I know I’m pathetic and I admit it – but all I want to do is see him and be with him.

My gut tells me I’m over it! Quit it and end it once and for all. If he wants you, regardless how busy his schedule is, he’d make the time to pick up the phone and make a 5-minute phone call. Don’t care if you’re brushing your teeth but dial my number and talk to me – a total girl attitude! I understood the whole traveling thing but this is not about his schedule anymore. That point of understanding has already passed. This is now a matter of the interest of wanting to see me again because he wants to and not because he has to because he is being nice.

I know for sure the fine line between genuineness and pity, and if he is hanging out with me for pitysake, well guess what, I can’t take it–run with it and stay away! I’m too good for that. I think I’m not gonna try and make plans with him simply because I hate to make the move and be rejected. If he wants to do something, I’d go but he won’t see me make the try. I think I’m pretty much done with him, in terms of trying to make connection and staying connected.

All I can say at this point is everything is on his court. I won’t try anymore… I’m happy with what I’ve got: family, friends, work, lifestyle, hobbies, etc. I certainly don’t need someone trudging me along for nothing or while trying to figure things out. As said in the movie Soldier’s Girl: “Don’t use me to figure yourself out!”. I’m still young and can find someone who might be in the same position as I am. Obviously Rich and I aren’t on the same wavelength and it is emotionally painful to be in that roller-coaster path. I’ve been there before and I certainly know when to stop.

I’ve learned to tolerate things over the years and look at them in different perspectives optimistically. However, I’m also smart what to look for, what to watch out for, and what worth keeping to give you the extra umph! in the morning for. Quite frankly, this one isn’t worth it! I hope I’m wrong. I’d rather be wrong than right.

Sorry…just venting. I will say this I can’t wait to be in San Francisco! Right there might be an opportunity to live a new life. Not sure yet whether I’m ready to leave it all behind…but time can only tell. I shall see what happens next. Anyway, I have a quite a few things I have planned during this week and all the way through this weekend. Enough to keep me occupied. Any suggestions of fun things to do, drop me a line. OK? Thanks!

So this past Friday my two good ‘ole friends Jeannie, her beautiful girlfriend Marisol, and I went to Tokyo Japanese Steak House up in Old Town Alexandria, which is conveniently located close to my old job near the water and has a fabulous, flawless view of the Potomac River. We have not been able to hang out lately simply because of our busy lives. We had been wanting to get out and have dinner together – but fortunately we were able to re-connect his past Friday. Jabari was suppose to come but didn’t make it. He will catch up some other time. Nevertheless, it was a lot of fun!

We had the opportunity to catch up on things: stuff about work, living situation (they might be moving to Centreville soon, which would be really awesome!), and of course, love life. I didn’t have much to share in the love life “department” other than me telling them about me and Rich dating now for over a month. Not too much detail went into that but all I said was that I’m dating this guy and see where it leads us.

They, on the other hand, are very happy with one another. They seem to share different things that they have in common and endlessly explore each other differences. They balance their relationship so much that they not only are girlfriends, but best friends as well. Quite frankly I’m jealous; not because I don’t want them to be happy – but I just wish I could find that special person for me as well. It’d be nice but I’m still looking and open to anything. Perhaps in time that person will eventually appear and make connection.

I give them the full credit of being with one another and keeping their real friends close. They are both very outgoing people and they couldn’t careless what and how you might be. They believe, and so do I, in real friends that no matter what happens, you stick together. As we always say, friendships aren’t perfect either. You meet people, get to know them, and have a good time. We all believe in that. As long as you are aware of your boundaries and respect, I’m sure you get it back.

Anyway, I had an awesome time with them. In two weeks, we’re planning to do another dinner. I’m thinking about going to Texas de Brazil (a steakhouse) in Fair Oaks. This place is awesome and I’d love to take them over there and check the place out. I’m sure they will love it.

For the rest of the weekend, I went to Fuego after Friday’s dinner, met a few friends there, and drinking and more drinking. Then tonight I went to Freddies to catch up on my drag shows. Ashley Jozet Adams asked me to go check her out tonight so I did, with my friend Gino. Had fun as usual!

Now I’m tired. LOL. I’m ready for bed. This week is going to be crazy for me (yet again!). So have a great work week everyone!

(L to R: d-Jae, Brian, Cecil, Sarah, Risa, and Bro Gilmor)

(Front L to R: Patrick and d-Jae; Back L to R: Risa, Lucky, Cecil, Bro Gilmor, and Sarah)

(L to R: d-Jae, Brian, Cecil, Sarah, Risa, and Bro Gilmor)

(L to R: Bro Gilmor, d-Jae, and Sarah) That’s what you call TRASHED!

Hilarious pictures! There’s more to come!

Saturday morning I went to LifeSpa to get my hair done; got it cut, layered, etc. Looked hawt! Then I went to visit my Mom in Arlington where she works and kind of talked to her for a little bit. Since it was early in the afternoon and I haven’t had lunch yet, I drove to one of my good ‘ole favorite little pizza joint up near Old Town Alexandria and ordered something to eat. Ended up having leftovers so I went back to Mom and dropped off some lunch. She loves Calzone and so do I. She appreciated it – she thought it was really sweet.

You know every once in a while I do that kind of stuff. I like to feed people. I guess it’s one of Filipino traditions; we try and give comfort to anyone, any time at any given place or whatever. I find it very attractive when someone does have that character.

Anyway, I enjoyed lunch alone (which was nice for a change), then I went shopping at Pentagon City. Man, I haven’t shopped in a long time! Recently I’ve been shopping online at 1 or 2 in the morning with all kinds of stuff (I know I have a problem) and I prefer receiving them in the mail as oppose to walking into the store. I find it very convenient, but I have to practice patience. (It’d be nice to get the stuff you bought through the computer, eh?) Knowing d-Jae he sometimes doesn’t have the patience. Anyway, it takes a few days for stuff to arrive, which is not a big deal. I went to Sephora bought some Giorgio Armani cologne and a vest at Club Monaco. I loooove those stores! Certainly my brand. Shopped a little for outfit for clubbing at Fur (I’ll get into that in a sec). Looked hawt! Really hawt! Kind of low-key and yet daring!

Then Mom met me and my brother at Tyson’s Corner for dinner. We went to Neisha (a Thai Restaurant) which is one of our favorite places that we go to as a family other than your regular Coastal Flatts or PF Chang’s. The joint is very relaxing and the food and service is just great. If you haven’t been there, you should check it out. Definitely a place I’d recommend for a date. *wink*

In the spirit of Halloween I went with my brother Gilmore and Risa (his GF), along with 5 other people, to Fur for their Halloween Party. Man, that night was really awesome! Everyone dressed up with their own thing and I reluctantly did not dress up just because I felt my hair was too good for it (LMAO!). One of my friends was gonna show up not dressed up so I thought I wouldn’t so he wouldn’t feel left out. In any way, getting in was as usual crazy; it took us an hour to get i…for $25! Yes, I said $25! Ridiculous! Oh, well but definitely worth it.

So we got in, danced with my Gil and Risa crazy as usual, drank quite a few martinis but managed to still get out of there sober, made some connections, danced with a few stangers (guys). LMAO! Yea, I know. Guys dancing at a straight club/bar? Surprisingly didn’t get stroke by lightning! I guess some of the straight guys weren’t really straight and weren’t making the dance floor hawt enough so I went in there and danced distinctively. I said like come on guys, move those damn feet and shake ‘em asses! Don’t dance like you’re retarded. LMAO! Anyway, the climax of the night was winning $5000 for the best custome. Well, the naked woman impersonating Mystique (from X-Men) won the price. Hawt! (but not my type) but fun though! I give her the credit not giving a shit what people think. I think she should have won more than that – but I think 5 grand should be enough to get the paint off of her.

So that was Saturday! Good times! Good times with my brother for the first time at a club. I’ll try to get him to check out TOWN one of these days. I don’t think he is thrilled about it, but we shall see. We’ll be going back to Fur on either 11/15 or 11/22 to celebrate Risa’s birthday bash. I vote Fur than TOWN (I think!). It’s nice to check out places that you haven’t been in for a change.

Sunday, it was yet another fun and low-key day. I spent the whole day with Rich shopping around at Pentagon City (again!) and chilling out at his condo. We had dinner at his place with a glass of red wine or two. As usual very soothing and comfortable. He always makes sure I was okay (cute!) the whole time. He is traveling (again!) to North Carolina this week but will be back this Friday, and then I think he is off to camping with his friends up in Blue Ridge mountains. We will re-connect once he gets back. I promise that I’d cook him something Italian/Greek (Pasta Carbonara?), serve it with champagne, and desert for later. It’s gonna be good. Looking forward to it!

Here is the thing…Rich and I at this point enjoy each other’s company. Not sure if there will be more than that in the future, but time can only tell whether we want to move up to a different level or not. I want to but I can’t force him if he’s not willing to. For right now I’m going with the flow and see where it leads us. I think that whatever we talked about previously (about his new job and lots of traveling) kind of trudging us along pretty well, and I think him getting the job and traveling so much kind of scare him that I would not date him because of it. I think, it seems it is working just fine so… We shall see how this moves from here on out.

Anyhow that’s the weekend update! This week is yet another busy week for me as I need to produce a 160-page book for our conference. I managed to get 80% of the front and back matter done last week and I’m now working with a designer to lay it out for me so I can review and approve to print. Fun times! I’ll touch base again with you next week! Have a great work week!

Attraction to affection actually satisfies contentment and phenomenal
Makes everything appear compromising and a bit philosophical
In a world created by deep passion evolving on man-made fantasy
Its essence often times tricks the mind and leaves you genuinely happy

Many describes “the fever” the first layer, top coating for truth
Highly useful for those who plays one way only or no root
No inspiration behind their wanted scene, just a skin play
Such a game win or lose, absolutely nothing to give away

Too hard and too unbearable for the poor heart to endure
Leaves my heart with no beat, no sign for chance…for sure
The costs people pay for being unrealistic and too obsessed
Nothing in return, and wish no room for weakness

Priceless love for those who lost love we appear to seek
We search with open arms and find ourselves meek
Like angels we hear alone and crying for the promised one
With hope we would meet one day and I’m what you want

I want to be free to love someone yet for one more time
Unchain the memories you left so I can draw a new line
As I steam forward I will leave my yesterday way behind
Empty handed I go, to reach and define love blind

Soon time will fall back and like the rest of them I will be
I am what I was then and now, and the person I will be
Those who lost love, lost it, and found love again
Don’t lose hope, I assure you, you’ll be happy once again

Today everyone in the office spent the whole day with one another monumenting the many happy memories that everyone have experienced with Jerry. All of us were touched by Jerry’s gentleness and his amazing personality regardless whether inside or outside of the office. He was extremely accomodating person and extended himself to everyone, anyone in every way possible. It was extremely devastating for everyone — especially to his wife and his family — to have lost a very genuine person, who loves to live life to the fullest and to put a smile to every face that he comes across with. He left us nothing but good and happy memories that we will all cherish for the rest of our lives.

To his beloved wife, Sharon, just know that we are here for you at any time. We are such a unique group of people that someone’s pain is everyone else’s. You are in our prayers. We love you!

To our blessed friend Jerry, from STAT Marketing, Inc. family, it’s sad to see you gone but we know you are in a better place – in God’s faith. We will miss you and you will be in our hearts for as long as we are alive. You will exists in our memories now and forever. We love you, Jerry!

Well, this past weekend didn’t help at all, in terms of sleep. Although I planned to kind of relax at home knowing that the weather was going to be bad before hand, I still managed to get out and have a drink or two with friends…

Started off Friday with clubbing at Club TOWN with my friend Gino, his boyfriend Jesse, and a friend of theirs, Molly. At first they wanted to hit APEX but I insisted that we go to TOWN instead. My reasoning perhaps was lame but I said that I had enough of APEX’s perks that lasts me a lifetime. That place reminds me of the many good and bad memories back in my early 20′s, and going there makes it harder for me remembering all those events that took place when I was still with my ex. Kind of sad but I won’t get into it. I must say, however, that being in early 20′s at the time it was the greatest and funnest place that every single gay men in the DC area must “belong” or go to.

Nowadays, that place has changed a whole lot over the course of the past few years. Hmm? The question perhaps though is…have the place changed? Or have I? The prognosis is that both have changed. People change their outlook with different places and places changes what people see as benefits from it. In either case, APEX has grown AND changed so much.

Anyway, I haven’t refreshed my interests in going to APEX yet, but I do hope though my friends and I will go back in time and remember those wild crazy times we once had at that place. We are still wild and crazy bitches though, and we will at some point in the future repeat history…

Moving along…so we ended up hitting TOWN and had a great time (but won’t go into details) and I got home at around 3:30 am, which I would say is pretty early for me than usual. Kind of different in a way…your heart’s still pumping at that time of the morning and brain is aiming for another round of shots. Got home thinking why am I home already? But, it turned out I was really tired that as soon as I hit the bed I was already gone. So that was the deal for Friday! Saturday, as you all know, was nasty but was a perfect time to chill at home and watch a movie or two. Well, I did a few errands in the morning (IN THE RAIN!) then after that I hanged out with Rich at his condo. We originally planned to see “Max Payne” in Potomac Mills but “he wasn’t feeling good”. Or should I say hung over? Yea, he had a great time with his friends at Freddies the night before and had too much shots that his head felt it was gonna explode on him.

That pretty much took away the mess that he and I would have had to deal with, had we gone and did what we planned. Well, we decided to just chill out, go rent a movie or two, eat popcorn and pizza, etc. We did all that and it was soothing. We watched Ironman (I’ve seen it but I’ve been dying to see it again) and after that we watch “Bangkok Love Story”, which is an independent international film showcasing two Thai men who discreetly have passion for one another despite of the society they grew up in. It was interesting but sad. Anyhow, we enjoyed the movies and kind of relaxed, lounged on the couch and so forth. I loved it!

Again, it was a good ole staying home and watch a movie kind of setting. I think that we were both aware of the situation that we are in and that we must control ourselves unless we both want to move forward. In any case, it was a wonderful evening! We both can’t wait for next weekend to come.

Today I hanged out with my brother and his girlfriend Risa. Did the whole Filipino lunch thing (It was kind of nice actually) then we watched a movie at Risa’s house. (The Happening is A STUPID MOVIE!) It was great that I got to hang out with them after a month or two of having not been able to see each other (cuz we have busy lives!) and I can’t wait to take my brother and Risa at TOWN for Risa’s birthday on Nov 17th. It’s gonna be great!

So, two words for this past weekend: FUCKING AWESOME! Yea! Woot! Woot! I’ll keep in touch what will come next within this week and weekend. Ciao!