[Updated] Defining My “Imaginary Wall”

I feel like I’ve hit the wall. Just like the movie “Clueless” back in 1995, most specifically “Cher” who was played by Alicia Silverstone where she was trying – all in her best – to survive the ups and downs of her adolescent life. Her external demeanor sort of buried her true self – charming, smart, and a truly phenomenal woman. The world she lived in, realistically up until now, was full of contributing factors to her great “cluelessness’” as to what’s really out there and that the world her eyes chooses to see has more than what it’s worth.

A combination of different things is making me crave for changes. The big inspiration is having been to San Francisco over three years ago and I, since then, had been hoping for rather immediate life transformation. After realizing that it wasn’t possible, I’ve considered re-focusing some of my attention to other things such as spending more quality time with my mom, re-connecting to my old habits, exploring other activities that doesn’t involve friends, and devoting some ‘me’  time whenever I get a chance – or should I say whenever I get away from my Mon-Fri/11-7pm prison? It feels great though. I don’t know, but it does. However, the “doing it alone” does appear to have that negative connotations, I think, to most people. Perhaps that idea when actualized, perceived or otherwise, a self-beneficial interest of solitaire, that space is ULTRA-essential between you and the rest of the world.

I think part of the cons of being fascinated with solitaire confinement is that you dodge every single human being and their respective, possibly shady interests and agendas go bouncing off the wall. As I live my life each day, year after year, I’m finding out that I’m wanting different things or actually valuing different things. Analogically, much like dating that every single failed candidate, you clearly see what you want and what you don’t want. Prospects give you all levels of perspective satisfaction, and in return, we tend to search for whomever that person is who would otherwise ‘go with the flow’ with your own conclusion or reasoning and discard anyone that doesn’t suit your perspective. I quite frankly may slightly have that problem, which I have to admit I need to re-shape it for good. I need to be more open-minded and able to accept different sides of life and people for their individuality.

I’m so ready to take another vacation. I could use a long, stress-free, warm (low humidity) environment, where not a single conference call would even have the ability coming through my phone circuit. Definitely a place where absolutely no reception, other than 911 calls, for any type of calls to get through. I need to invest more of the me  time – quality me time – so that I can get to know myself again.

Good thing the weather has been calming down a bit. I would have been gaining a few here and there, otherwise. Quite honestly, I have been slacking beyond big time in working out and I think partly because of my crazy schedule and workload lately. “De-workaholizing myself, too, is on the list of things I need to do! I’m too much a movie slut, if you will, that I would give up a somewhat moderate day for a good ‘ole Marvel movie with cheddar cheese popcorn.

So, today’s horoscope is on the spot, yet again. I’m taking it to mean that I have to be extra careful when making decisions and that there’s a limit to what you can do at a given time, at a given place, and at a given situation, and what changes I should make and figure out the best way how to implement them:

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The new moon focuses on emotions and feelings, and generates high levels of wisdom and sensitivity. You’ll be in a strong position to calm and soothe a minor quandary, and you’ll be able to keep all parties happy without having to take sides. Don’t allow this issue to absorb all of your time today, though!

Can Coin Toss Help?

Have you ever felt confused as to the many things you wanted versus things you desire? How about things perceived as needs versus the hypothetical “should”? Do you find distinguishing their individual values quick and easy? More often than not, souls with so much history being feeling stranded in their dark times, feeling uneasy with their choices in life, pattern of seemingly endless heartache and pain in their whole life – these questions pose from time to time breaking them apart hoping to find true answers. Answers for which one must find within itself. Itself alone.

Probably dreaming or imagining what their “true meaning” should be, perhaps for most, are relatively painless. Every mile stones in our life we seem to associate with some sort of evaluation as to whether they are what we needed, or should have, or wanted. We often debate their value and lots of times we never really go by these categories. Life just goes as it wants to, as it needs to, and as it should. Things just happens for a reason. What that is or are remains a question.

What I refer to as “things” on this note may include the typical actual materials, the day-to-day events in our life, the easy and rather difficult decisions we make each day, the people around us that most believe to be “what make the world go around”, the hopes we continue to seek, our wishes that someday will come true, “the” relationship we desire. All of these are perhaps to some extent true in the sense of our relationship to them, why and how we conquer these things, hold them in our possesion, remain hopeful they will all come true. One would say our bond to everything surrounding us is the mightiest of them all, in all positive aspects whatever that maybe. But, mightiest may also mean the hardest, the darkest of all time, in which our emotions, our minds, our actions are based upon.

Relationship, a word for most is too powerful, is truly powerful in the context of intimate bond between two persons, whether gay or straight. This bond brings the best and worst of people and is something that can be developed and by which each person is inspired because of something they feel or think greater than themselves. But, as what many of you know, what is created can be destroyed and from which it can be rebuilt.

I see an important question, from talking about what I think relationship is, is how to make one. What do you need to build one? Must one have the ability to do so?

Everyone has the ability to develop relationships, most importantly within themselves and, of course, for people around them. Most would say that is an easy and light mountain to move – but little as one might know that is an incredible task, to some folks, that can never be easy. At times people are afraid of relationships; turn their back away from commitments and rather keep disconnected to some extent comfortable for them. Perhaps, in their alone time they ask the questions “Why can it be easy? Why things must be hard? Why am I afraid of it? Is it all about me?”.

Relationship teaches us a lot of different things. A lot of it is about ourselves. Something about ourselves we don’t seem to be aware until we see ourselves in the context of others. Many of us wonder what else is about is we don’t know about. The characters we make ourselves in, the attitude we project to others, what they can and cannot appreciate, and the character we are meant to be. Knowing and appreciating yourself and your potentiality plays a significant role in our relationships to others.

What people often see on the outside is the projection of our inner mentality and emotions, perhaps a preview of what we really are on the inside. Each of us, and not just Gemini’s, do play the good and evil side of us depending upon what is going on around us. There is the all-natural angelic side of us and the other is the “never try to push my button” type of personality. This reminds me of something like Hulk. On the outside, you see him “get angry” when provoked most especially if the love of his life is in jeopardy. And, only she can diffuse him only with her gentle touch and soft spoken voice. In a lot of ways, we are somewhat like Hulk. As Hulk might look unreal and scary, he has a good side of him. A good side which can turn into someone’s nightmare when provoked and/or questioned.

Conceptually in real life, we turn ourselves into this very often, and a lot of times other people motivates the evil part of us take over. So the question is – how do we control this? What must one have to do? In the context of relationship, the so called “give and take” can do it all for you. This isn’t something conveniently abundant and easy access for everyone to have but this does take a whole lot of work. A whole lot maybe an exaggeration; however, exploring ourselves in all layers is required whether our being fit in this “give and take” method, if you will.

Perhaps, I would consider that as one of the important elements in a relationship. In a relationship will teach you how to give and learn how to take. Neither giving or taking is an easy task. It requires sub-standardizing expectations, if you will, allowing time to learn more about your chemistry towards the other person. Again, this isn’t a quick and easy job! It does take a lot of patience, positive attitude and outlook in a relationship, the undying passion with which you take every single step and hurdles along the way. Truth is – all true with your head help up high!

As I grow older and my life continue to unfold before my eyes, I see many people afraid from their lives, suffer from their failures and fears, reserved from making decisions and taking risks, and people with their future completely taken over by their past. Perhaps their past too painful to let go and/or part of themselves are somewhat embedded into it and can’t seem to cut the rope pulling them back.

This is when reflection to oneself is very important. Question whether your relationship built within you is as strong as it should be. Likelihood is both, either yes or no. As one famous writer and inspiration to all, “Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em”. Some are born strong, some are born weak, some are born bound to be strengthen or weaken — and I think everyone do have that potential to be strong and become the person they are meant to be.

And, in additon, everyone is bound to bond with someone intimately. A healthy and productive relationship can be at hand, if you want it. And when you do, it’s not the same as the genie in the bottle that all it takes it a rub or two — but believe it or not, a work is at hand to make a good relationship to work. It’ll work if you make it to work. I’m no doctor about these things but I believe unconditional love, credible trust, and undenying loyalty makes it all happen. Just think, it’s not all about you, it’s a “us” and a “we”. Putting them first before you is what is all about.

Just believe in it. A coin toss will NOT help figure out how living should be. Living in this world is full of relationship to things and your fellow human beings. It is up to you how to live it. As an old man said to me before “you only live once, live it at your best”.

EDIT: I am inspired to write this about my two cents regarding relationships. Someone who is dear to me and will always be. My heart goes above and beyond to this person and wishing nothing but the best.

[Updated] The Pursuit of a New Home

The biggest stressor in my life right now is dealing (and often times deny) with the fact that, still at this point, I’m still mentally, emotionally, and financially incapable to relocate to either California or Florida. I keep wondering when I’m able to pay off all my bills; wondering how I can do it all quick and easy (prognosis: not very likely); wondering how am I to deal with being away from my family and friends; wondering what either of these places has in line to offer me.

I have to be honest — I’m a little impatient and anxious. I keep oscillating the idea of moving either now or after achieving my CAE designation in two years. At the moment, my mind tells me wait until I get that three-letter designation after my name, find a job in the west coast, then move. But, even then, I’m still not sure how things would turn out. Will it be how I imagined it? Or will it be beyond what I would have expected, in a good way? Or not.

Everyday I ask those questions, and you know what keeps me trudging along is the fact that I have the undying love from my family and the incredible support from my friends and, of course, the desire that someday I’ll intersect with what they call ‘special someone’. For whatever reason, I feel that someone out there in California is holding his breath until I “touch down”. And, because my experience here in Washington, DC to find someone worth dating have failed almost every attempt and that if I don’t do anything and everything in my power to relocate, I would be passing a great opportunity to finally meet that mysterious soul-mate. Odd I would say but it certainly feels unimaginably real. It feels like a dream you would never, not for one second, want to wake up from. So real that it’s hard to let go.

Then, I realized, however, that this isn’t just about me. Could it be something else, other than what I wish in life? I’m hyper-aware of everything that would take to make this a reality, the unanticipated consequences that comes with it, the sacrifices and hard work of it all, and the heartache of being away from love ones, and most especially, surviving it all independently. And, all in the name of independence. All in the name of my interest in pursuing a new home, a new life, a new beginning. Despite of all this raging desires and ambitions, reflections brings an important question — are you really up for it? Do I have what it takes? Is this what you really want? The what seems endless “what if’s” scenarios keep flashing back in front of me, continually posing these questions — and finding answers to them is slowly becoming a real challenge.

I wish it is not happening in the way things are going, but I get it… If I had more control over things, they would not be the way they are.

I wish that I can get up one morning and decide to move to wherever I want. California just happened to be where most of my family friends and relatives live. Though I have cousins in New York, I am reluctant with the idea of living in New York. I’m sure New York is as enjoyable as San Francisco – but I’d rather be cruising out in the west coast, where some of us — gay people — would feel ‘at home’, if you know what I mean. It is a place, certainly more lenient with any type of lifestyle you wish to live and not feel judged. As much as that sounded unrealistic (judgments happens everywhere), you can call this place Home. A place where you’d feel the world isn’t on you for a change.

I’ve got it bad, really bad…but there’s nothing bad about this. All I want to do is find myself some place new, able to spark endless possibilities, create a new direction for my career and essentially build my family–and again all in the name of being me. Also to prove myself I can do this on my own outside my family supporting me and that I can make my achievements and get through struggles preferably with no one’s help, but mine. I just hope that I don’t lose the burning interest in me and that I move forward with achieving my goals no matter what it takes. If time is what’s at stake, I will spare it. If money is what it needs, I will afford it. If leaving my family would involve it, I will have to compromise my longing. All of that I will need to consider when that time comes. In order to get where I want to be, I’ll have to close my eyes and bite the bullet. I hope my support system will continue pushing me forward.

I’m usually determined to get what I want – but, at this point in time, I will have to slow down my engine and take one thing at a time. I’m sure I’ll get to where I want to be in no time. With a little patience and remaining focused, I’m sure I’ll find myself waking up to a beautiful sunny Cali. The road to success is there; all it takes is a ride and go over bumps along the way. Keep telling myself “hard work will make reward sound sweet at the end”.

Sorry this whole entry was slightly mushy and perhaps annoying – but the numbness of my robotic heart finally start to wear off and now longing for what it needs.

EDIT: I know I blogged about this before and probably getting old now – but I just wanted to sparks those firey moments as volcanoes does with their hell-heated lavas from time to time. Entries like this may be the theme for a little while until when I have rather significant milestone to talk about. This entry is indicative of my rather impatience and self-centric ego to live in California! If me moving to San Francisco doesn’t turn very well, at least I have a home I can always come back to. But, at least I gotta try it. That’s the only way. Wish me luck. I need it!

Leave It All Behind

It’s been more than two weeks since the last time I got to hang out with Rich, and quite frankly I feel like I am yet again at a point of deserting what he and I started long after two months of knowing him since we met at Freddies on a regular Sunday evening. I know I’m wanting more from him–but I feel I’m getting less than what I anticipated to receive.

Close to a month ago was when he and I had a rather blunt, intense conversation about where we were in our relationship and the big question was where should this rather aggressive acquaintance be. At the time he felt that things were just going too fast than he expected and that he felt it was best that he take a “slow” pill while seeing what develops. He was upfront about it, for which I give him credit, and explained that he had just accepted a promotion within his company, which essentially require him to travel 80% of the time uncontrollably for the next three months. I understood what the situation was and expressed that I would try and take things slow and see where it leads us.

Sure enough he’s been traveling back and forth from one state to the other almost every week and there is definitely no stopping and I sure cannot blame him for doing his job! The last time I spoke to him though, however, was yesterday when he finished packing and was about to leave for Lancaster, PA for a five-day training – but he said he will be back on Friday night and will be home for the weekend. He plan to do low-key stuff and try and recuperate from his long week.

But, before all those traveling – being out of town days at at time – took place, he warned me about it, with which he said might make things complex, in terms of getting together, etc. Despite the fact I said I would understand it, I appear to be wanting more to be with him, if possible, everyday…

I stop and ask myself everyday – is this when it’s time to let go?

I knew that he’d tied with traveling but I have never expected it to be this overwhelming travel. Quite frankly it’s driving me nuts. Why? Because I don’t get to see him that much, I sit here and wait until he gets home and hoping he’d be around to see me. I mean really… doesn’t that sound pathetic? Yes, it does.

Time and time again I have told myself do I have the godsend patience to deal with this? I want to see him so bad but it’s almost impossible because he is never around anymore. But, when he is, he’s tied up with something else. Does that send me a message? If you’re reading this, do you get the message? Did anyone else get the message, or is it just me? To be honest, his actions are just as clear the sunny blue sky. The message I get is that he’s too busy and that he couldn’t make time for me anymore. That I can’t seem to believe…or is it just me over-reacting? Not sure what to do really, quite frankly. Should I extend my patience for one more week and see what happens? He said that he’d call me mid this week and see how I’m doing. I know I’m pathetic and I admit it – but all I want to do is see him and be with him.

My gut tells me I’m over it! Quit it and end it once and for all. If he wants you, regardless how busy his schedule is, he’d make the time to pick up the phone and make a 5-minute phone call. Don’t care if you’re brushing your teeth but dial my number and talk to me – a total girl attitude! I understood the whole traveling thing but this is not about his schedule anymore. That point of understanding has already passed. This is now a matter of the interest of wanting to see me again because he wants to and not because he has to because he is being nice.

I know for sure the fine line between genuineness and pity, and if he is hanging out with me for pitysake, well guess what, I can’t take it–run with it and stay away! I’m too good for that. I think I’m not gonna try and make plans with him simply because I hate to make the move and be rejected. If he wants to do something, I’d go but he won’t see me make the try. I think I’m pretty much done with him, in terms of trying to make connection and staying connected.

All I can say at this point is everything is on his court. I won’t try anymore… I’m happy with what I’ve got: family, friends, work, lifestyle, hobbies, etc. I certainly don’t need someone trudging me along for nothing or while trying to figure things out. As said in the movie Soldier’s Girl: “Don’t use me to figure yourself out!”. I’m still young and can find someone who might be in the same position as I am. Obviously Rich and I aren’t on the same wavelength and it is emotionally painful to be in that roller-coaster path. I’ve been there before and I certainly know when to stop.

I’ve learned to tolerate things over the years and look at them in different perspectives optimistically. However, I’m also smart what to look for, what to watch out for, and what worth keeping to give you the extra umph! in the morning for. Quite frankly, this one isn’t worth it! I hope I’m wrong. I’d rather be wrong than right.

Sorry…just venting. I will say this I can’t wait to be in San Francisco! Right there might be an opportunity to live a new life. Not sure yet whether I’m ready to leave it all behind…but time can only tell. I shall see what happens next. Anyway, I have a quite a few things I have planned during this week and all the way through this weekend. Enough to keep me occupied. Any suggestions of fun things to do, drop me a line. OK? Thanks!

Let Me Dance With You

This past weekend was one of the fun weekends that I haven’t had in a long time. I wasn’t really expecting it to be that much fun considering all of the events that recently took place at my job: losing someone dear, overwhelming workload, not feeling well, etc. Last week was quite a handful; I initially planned to do something low key throughout the weekend – but it turned out to be one of the best weekends ever!

Saturday morning I went to LifeSpa to get my hair done; got it cut, layered, etc. Looked hawt! Then I went to visit my Mom in Arlington where she works and kind of talked to her for a little bit. Since it was early in the afternoon and I haven’t had lunch yet, I drove to one of my good ‘ole favorite little pizza joint up near Old Town Alexandria and ordered something to eat. Ended up having leftovers so I went back to Mom and dropped off some lunch. She loves Calzone and so do I. She appreciated it – she thought it was really sweet.

You know every once in a while I do that kind of stuff. I like to feed people. I guess it’s one of Filipino traditions; we try and give comfort to anyone, any time at any given place or whatever. I find it very attractive when someone does have that character.

Anyway, I enjoyed lunch alone (which was nice for a change), then I went shopping at Pentagon City. Man, I haven’t shopped in a long time! Recently I’ve been shopping online at 1 or 2 in the morning with all kinds of stuff (I know I have a problem) and I prefer receiving them in the mail as oppose to walking into the store. I find it very convenient, but I have to practice patience. (It’d be nice to get the stuff you bought through the computer, eh?) Knowing d-Jae he sometimes doesn’t have the patience. Anyway, it takes a few days for stuff to arrive, which is not a big deal. I went to Sephora bought some Giorgio Armani cologne and a vest at Club Monaco. I loooove those stores! Certainly my brand. Shopped a little for outfit for clubbing at Fur (I’ll get into that in a sec). Looked hawt! Really hawt! Kind of low-key and yet daring!

Then Mom met me and my brother at Tyson’s Corner for dinner. We went to Neisha (a Thai Restaurant) which is one of our favorite places that we go to as a family other than your regular Coastal Flatts or PF Chang’s. The joint is very relaxing and the food and service is just great. If you haven’t been there, you should check it out. Definitely a place I’d recommend for a date. *wink*

In the spirit of Halloween I went with my brother Gilmore and Risa (his GF), along with 5 other people, to Fur for their Halloween Party. Man, that night was really awesome! Everyone dressed up with their own thing and I reluctantly did not dress up just because I felt my hair was too good for it (LMAO!). One of my friends was gonna show up not dressed up so I thought I wouldn’t so he wouldn’t feel left out. In any way, getting in was as usual crazy; it took us an hour to get i…for $25! Yes, I said $25! Ridiculous! Oh, well but definitely worth it.

So we got in, danced with my Gil and Risa crazy as usual, drank quite a few martinis but managed to still get out of there sober, made some connections, danced with a few stangers (guys). LMAO! Yea, I know. Guys dancing at a straight club/bar? Surprisingly didn’t get stroke by lightning! I guess some of the straight guys weren’t really straight and weren’t making the dance floor hawt enough so I went in there and danced distinctively. I said like come on guys, move those damn feet and shake ‘em asses! Don’t dance like you’re retarded. LMAO! Anyway, the climax of the night was winning $5000 for the best custome. Well, the naked woman impersonating Mystique (from X-Men) won the price. Hawt! (but not my type) but fun though! I give her the credit not giving a shit what people think. I think she should have won more than that – but I think 5 grand should be enough to get the paint off of her.

So that was Saturday! Good times! Good times with my brother for the first time at a club. I’ll try to get him to check out TOWN one of these days. I don’t think he is thrilled about it, but we shall see. We’ll be going back to Fur on either 11/15 or 11/22 to celebrate Risa’s birthday bash. I vote Fur than TOWN (I think!). It’s nice to check out places that you haven’t been in for a change.

Sunday, it was yet another fun and low-key day. I spent the whole day with Rich shopping around at Pentagon City (again!) and chilling out at his condo. We had dinner at his place with a glass of red wine or two. As usual very soothing and comfortable. He always makes sure I was okay (cute!) the whole time. He is traveling (again!) to North Carolina this week but will be back this Friday, and then I think he is off to camping with his friends up in Blue Ridge mountains. We will re-connect once he gets back. I promise that I’d cook him something Italian/Greek (Pasta Carbonara?), serve it with champagne, and desert for later. It’s gonna be good. Looking forward to it!

Here is the thing…Rich and I at this point enjoy each other’s company. Not sure if there will be more than that in the future, but time can only tell whether we want to move up to a different level or not. I want to but I can’t force him if he’s not willing to. For right now I’m going with the flow and see where it leads us. I think that whatever we talked about previously (about his new job and lots of traveling) kind of trudging us along pretty well, and I think him getting the job and traveling so much kind of scare him that I would not date him because of it. I think, it seems it is working just fine so… We shall see how this moves from here on out.

Anyhow that’s the weekend update! This week is yet another busy week for me as I need to produce a 160-page book for our conference. I managed to get 80% of the front and back matter done last week and I’m now working with a designer to lay it out for me so I can review and approve to print. Fun times! I’ll touch base again with you next week! Have a great work week!

Energizer for Human Perhaps?

After a rather long, dreary, nasty and yet very fun weekend, I think I need a fully loaded, energized battery to get my brain and body up and running by tomorrow. I can’t help but drift every now and then because of not having been fully caught up with sleep recently.

Well, this past weekend didn’t help at all, in terms of sleep. Although I planned to kind of relax at home knowing that the weather was going to be bad before hand, I still managed to get out and have a drink or two with friends…

Started off Friday with clubbing at Club TOWN with my friend Gino, his boyfriend Jesse, and a friend of theirs, Molly. At first they wanted to hit APEX but I insisted that we go to TOWN instead. My reasoning perhaps was lame but I said that I had enough of APEX’s perks that lasts me a lifetime. That place reminds me of the many good and bad memories back in my early 20′s, and going there makes it harder for me remembering all those events that took place when I was still with my ex. Kind of sad but I won’t get into it. I must say, however, that being in early 20′s at the time it was the greatest and funnest place that every single gay men in the DC area must “belong” or go to.

Nowadays, that place has changed a whole lot over the course of the past few years. Hmm? The question perhaps though is…have the place changed? Or have I? The prognosis is that both have changed. People change their outlook with different places and places changes what people see as benefits from it. In either case, APEX has grown AND changed so much.

Anyway, I haven’t refreshed my interests in going to APEX yet, but I do hope though my friends and I will go back in time and remember those wild crazy times we once had at that place. We are still wild and crazy bitches though, and we will at some point in the future repeat history…

Moving along…so we ended up hitting TOWN and had a great time (but won’t go into details) and I got home at around 3:30 am, which I would say is pretty early for me than usual. Kind of different in a way…your heart’s still pumping at that time of the morning and brain is aiming for another round of shots. Got home thinking why am I home already? But, it turned out I was really tired that as soon as I hit the bed I was already gone. So that was the deal for Friday! Saturday, as you all know, was nasty but was a perfect time to chill at home and watch a movie or two. Well, I did a few errands in the morning (IN THE RAIN!) then after that I hanged out with Rich at his condo. We originally planned to see “Max Payne” in Potomac Mills but “he wasn’t feeling good”. Or should I say hung over? Yea, he had a great time with his friends at Freddies the night before and had too much shots that his head felt it was gonna explode on him.

That pretty much took away the mess that he and I would have had to deal with, had we gone and did what we planned. Well, we decided to just chill out, go rent a movie or two, eat popcorn and pizza, etc. We did all that and it was soothing. We watched Ironman (I’ve seen it but I’ve been dying to see it again) and after that we watch “Bangkok Love Story”, which is an independent international film showcasing two Thai men who discreetly have passion for one another despite of the society they grew up in. It was interesting but sad. Anyhow, we enjoyed the movies and kind of relaxed, lounged on the couch and so forth. I loved it!

Again, it was a good ole staying home and watch a movie kind of setting. I think that we were both aware of the situation that we are in and that we must control ourselves unless we both want to move forward. In any case, it was a wonderful evening! We both can’t wait for next weekend to come.

Today I hanged out with my brother and his girlfriend Risa. Did the whole Filipino lunch thing (It was kind of nice actually) then we watched a movie at Risa’s house. (The Happening is A STUPID MOVIE!) It was great that I got to hang out with them after a month or two of having not been able to see each other (cuz we have busy lives!) and I can’t wait to take my brother and Risa at TOWN for Risa’s birthday on Nov 17th. It’s gonna be great!

So, two words for this past weekend: FUCKING AWESOME! Yea! Woot! Woot! I’ll keep in touch what will come next within this week and weekend. Ciao!

Where I Make the Greens!

This week has been overwhelmingly slow and yet extremely mentally exhausting. The week started off with slight cold because of the drastic drop of temperature (Ugh! I can’t wait for Summer!), the climax of the program development I’ve been working on, stuff between Rich and I, then lastly but certainly not the least, quite a few events in the office. Events? Yea, not so exciting events.

But, before I get into that, I wanna get these few things out of the way first…

Regarding work load, I’m still working on getting the final piece of the program that I’ve been developing all these time. I’m working with a vendor that specializes in abstract management systems. Right now I’m doing some session scheduling, notifying hundreds of professors around the country (they specialize in social work research) with their presentation schedules, working with another vendor that manages our hotel reservations and conference registrations, working closely with a designer to get our program book designed, laid-out, formatted, and printed (I’m responsible for EVERYTHING that goes in it!), and lastly, collaborating with the program committee to develop our new theme for our 2010 conference, which will be held in San Francisco, CA in January 2010. I’ll be working with the Associate Dean for Academic Research at the University of Pittsburgh. So, I’m looking forward to working with him in developing that program.

Rich and I spoke on Monday night for about 20 minutes telling each other our weekends and our schedule this week. He has a very hectic schedule this week and so do I so we might not have the time to catch up on one another. But, he said he will touch base with me again towards the end of this week and see where we are with our workloads. I hope my schedule opens up for me and Rich to do something. We shall see, but quite frankly I’d be happy to go out with him – but won’t be as excited as I was. For those who doesn’t know, read my other blog that’s called “Far Right Lane”. You will get an idea of what has been going on between me and him and you will understand why I said what I said.

Jerry, our Chief Financial Officer, was diagnosed with some kind of cancer a while back and he’s been taking medications and treatment for the last year or so. He seems to be not quite responding well enough to them recently. We are very worried for him. We just want him to get better very, very soon. We miss him a lot in the office and we are there holding strong for him. (A little bit of background of Jerry: He is such a nice guy. Despite of his professionalism, he is a fun person to be around; a reliable person; very smart guy (he’s the CFO, so yea!). He doesn’t bother anybody in anyway. You do your job and he does his job. That’s the deal. He certainly makes our workplace very pleasant place to work in.)

Another not so good event is that one of my co-workers, who actually just got hired two weeks ago, her mom died yesterday from a cardiac arrest. Apparently she had history of heart attacks and unfortunately did not survive this time. We are very sad to hear it. It just unbelievable that you don’t know when your own time is. Really scary! But, be prepared for anything, everything that could happen. It makes you think, doesn’t it?

To bring the spirit back up in this blog, I made my hotel and flight reservations for my New Orleans trip in two months. I’m quite excited to go down there because I will get to see two of my friends who lives in Louisiana. We haven’t planned anything yet of what to do but we are very eager to catch up face to face. Yay!

Oh, and I’m going to New York to see “Grease” on Saturday, December 6th with quite a few friends. This is going to be great. But, I’m kind of sad that I won’t be able to go to Chicago tomorrow. There’s too many things going on right now at work and I cannot afford to lose a day or two of work as the next two weeks are the highest peak of my schedule during this time of the year. It’s too bad but I suppose I can make plans to go with them some other time.

Anyway, closing this blog now. I hope everyone’s week has gone pretty good so far. Oh, and I haven’t gone to the gym for close to a week now — thanks to my cold crap that I have. However, I can’t wait to go back as soon as I’m feeling better. I’m gaining a bit of weight; that’s why! LOL… OK… I’m out!

Taking Baby Steps

This coming Thursday would be the second week that I have not seen Rich since our last meeting, which was at his place for pizza dinner and some coctails. That night was awesome! He got off early that day to go shopping for ingredients (I think that was really cute!) and I said to him I was very disappointed I didn’t get to go grocery shopping with him. Anyway, he also bought two kinds of wine: Simi and Chaetaue St. Jean — both very good! We enjoyed each other that night with some good pizza and cocktails. Very relaxing, indeed!

Well, after our deep conversation last Thursday, which was a week after the pizza dinner, we didn’t talk at any time Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday. Pretty much the whole weekend – until I got a phone call from him on Sunday at around 2:00 pm. Unfortunately, I was at the store grocery shopping for goodies for last night’s dinner. I had people over so I had to shop for stuff…and wack the weeds! Yea, tell me about it. I’ve been meaning to get that part of my chores done like almost a month ago – but I motivated myself to do that before my friends came over.

So I called him back and left him a voice message telling him I was busy and didn’t get the chance to call him until around 6:30 last night. I was apologetic about it. He said he would call me over the weekend, which he did. I give him that credit!

Anyway, he called me today to see how I’m doing and see what I’m up to. He went up to Pennsylvania for a business meeting early this morning but he came back like around 6:30. After 30 minutes or so he called to say what’s up and to tell me how his day and weekend was. He was busy doing his own thing and I was, too. Then he sort of told me his schedule this week, which is kind of busy of his traveling. I told him “Hey, what can you do? Do the job if that is what it is.” I bluntly said to him I will have a busy week as well. In fact, I’m coming up to a whole lot of stuff right now during this time of the year: the tail-end of the programmatic development I’ve been workin on, then quite a number of marketing and advertising stuff for my other clients.

In any case we sort of talked for about 15-20 minutes letting each other know our schedules this week, then he said he’d touch base again with me towards the end of this week. Well, I told him right away I will have a busy weekend: going to a museum art in Manassas with my roommate; go to some local fair that involves lots of pumpkins and apple-cider; go golfing at a driving range right at my backyard (I recently discovered there’s a golf driving range few lights away from me…so yay!); have dinner with my friend Jeannie and her girlfriend Marisol (both Peruvians) and Jabari at a restaurant (we haven’t decided where we’re going); and hang out with Gino probably at TOWN.

And on Sunday I’ll visit my Mom since I haven’t really visited her recently. I miss her and so with my stepdad, so I will try and pay them a visit at some point this weekend. I will try and get my brother and his girlfriend to come, too, since I haven’t seen them either. Well, my brother having two jobs is kind of difficult to get together. In any case I’ll bug him to go with me to Woodbridge.

So I said all that to say this: I’m very appreciative that Rich took the time/chance to call me tonight. Quite frankly, yes, I’m tickled. But again, don’t bet everything you got. I’m kind of holding back and let him come and meet me in the middle. And I think that’s the game he and I are playing…let’s see who is going to win or give in. That is almost predictable (If I’m the one judging it) but we shall see what will happen.

Taking baby steps…maybe…but ideally that is what it should be. So I’ll do that for now while living casually.

Here’s my horoscope for this week. Again, this is just hypothetical but it does look promising. We’ll see.

Contacts and communication feature throughout the week, but the angle is definitely positive. Something is likely to keep you on your toes: a snippet of news or a tantalizing bit of information should be pursued and explored further. It is an excellent week to think in the long term and now is a great time to share your thoughts and plans with a trusted friend. They may well have some useful advice for you! Thursday’s planets hint at a secret admirer!

Far Right Lane

During this past week I have been kind of sitting on edge with things between me and Rich. We haven’t really talked like normal since last Thursday and our communication was sort of faded during the last few days. Though I must say that we had been very hectic with our own schedules and finding the time to catch up with one another was very difficult.

Well, finally we were able to squeeze in a 45-minute phone call to say what’s going on and see where we are with our work so far and how things are going with me and him last night–after a few days of not talking gave me the excitement to talk to him.

It turned out the week for him has been very busy with his job and everything going on at the same time. Busier than he anticipated. That’s what happens when you work in sales and marketing. There’s always something to do. Anyway, he got a promotion within the company that he works for and he seems to be very excited about it and looking forward to the many travels that he will be doing as a nature of the job he accepted. I said Congratulations and that I will take him out for a celebratory drink. So that’s pretty much what has been keeping him occupied.

Well, mine was sort of busy…and intense. Intense? Yes, it is because the fact that we haven’t had the opportunity to catch up. That sort of bothered me a little bit. But, last night I explained that my week has been just as crazy as his, given that my boss wasn’t in the office for the majority of this week. I further explained that it kind of sucked that there was no time for “us”.

I am somewhat discombobulated with the fact that he felt uncomfortable with how things are going on between us. He felt that it was going faster than he anticipated. So he decided to take it slow and see where it leads us. Knowing me I said “That is perfectly fine by me.” He’s reasoning was that he just took this job and it will require him to travel a lot within the next two or three months and hanging out with me would be extremely challenging for him. Well, guess what my ass said to him:

“Thanks for telling me how you feel about things and given your situation in your life and things between the two of us, it may be best that we re-arrange our priorities. You just accepted a job and whatever the nature of it is, you gotta do it; even though it means more traveling on your part. It is a job and it is your job–not mine. I would probably do the same thing if I was in your shoes. If your job is a priority, then prioritize it, and if you think traveling would be a burden for us to get together, then you will have to make a choice.

The beauty of dating is that when/if you meet someone, regardless of how much job you have in life, you will have to make time for that person. And again, job is a job. If you find it hard to find time to get together with me when/if you do your job, then I have to move on. The only time this could work is either you make the time or I deal with it. Unfortunately, I’m the type of person that likes to be around with somebody I enjoy especially when I’m dating someone. I, however, understand that there is a time to stop…or slow down.

At this point in my life I want to have a relationship, build a future, and raise a family. I want to be quite frank with you – but if you are not the person who can share the same interest at this point of your life, then I think it would be best that we stay as friends. Now, as friends, you know we still go out and do stuff together. But, do them with the intention that we are just friends and not as potential boyfriends. I hate to say this but the ball is in your court. I told you where I am in my life and what I want from you, and depending upon how you react to this we will move forward. But for now, we’ll just gonna play everything by ear and at the same time be not exclusive. If you meet someone else along the way, that’s great for you, and of course vice versa. If something happens beyond us being friends, then that would be wonderful. It’s all good, otherwise.”

I don’t think he was well prepared for this discussion but he stood still and listened to me and then said:

“By all means I’m not saying Goodbye or anything. I just like to take it slow and see where it leads. I don’t think I’m ready for a one-on-one relationship yet at this time especially now that I have taken this job, which will require lots of traveling for the next two or three months. I don’t want to lead you to anything that it’s not there because I would feel very bad about it. However, I still want to do stuff with you–go see a movie, invite you for dinner, go here and there, etc. But I want to take it slow. Can we plan something this weekend? I’ll call you.”

I’m sitting there thinking what my reply would be so I said:

“You are more than welcome to take your time getting to know me and see where your emotions takes you. Meanwhile, I have a life to live, a job to do, and goals to achieve. And again, if we get together and it goes beyond friends, then that’s cool. If not, that’s cool, too. You may call me this weekend and let me know. But, don’t go out with me for pity sake. I’m fine with the way things are right now. I feel better that you told me how you feel with things and now at least I know where I stand. Definitely not going to hold this against you. I cannot drive your life to compensate what I want in life, if you are not willing to do it. I can only control myself, not others. Only you can control yourself. If I have time this weekend, I will go out with you. Otherwise, it’ll be next time.

So that we have a closure to this discussion, how about I say that I’m glad to have met you and did those things together. They were certainly fun! If you are willing, we can stay connected via phone and face-to-face as seldom as possible. Again, I’m sorry that I came off too strong for you. Stronger than what you can handle. That’s just me! I’m special. OK?

Don’t stress about this tonight. You have a long day ahead of you so you could use a good night sleep. OK? I’ll catch up with you later.”

That’s pretty much how the conversation went. Kind of intense, but I remained composed the whole time. No sign of disappointment, nor aggravation, nor coldheartedness. As far as I was concerned, I was clear with what I want from him and I told him how I feel. I’m known for speaking my thoughts freely and not hold back. I cannot stand having to hide my feelings and not tell anyone. I’m honest with myself and so with others. I’d rather tell you what and how I feel then fight myself over for not being honest.

Not sure how it’s going to go on but I will keep making connections with folks (in fact I have back ups…LMAO!) and see it will take me. Dating, dating, dating…you gotta love it! Anyway, have a good weekend everyone!

Ciao!

Sold At Hello

This the shortest blog I have ever written… Tonight was my date night with Rich, the guy I met at Freddies on Sunday night. Well, I will say the night was incredibly awesome…

Had great food and service at Sakura in Fair Lakes… Very relaxing! We both tried some exotic sushi that we both haven’t had in the past…and guess what? That kept us excited throughout the whole dinner. Good food! Definitely would reccommend it…

Had a terrific time conversing about one another… We started talking about our family and work background. Boy, I must say he excelled in the business that he is in, and he seems to have passion in what he does. FYI – he is in the architectural and design for big companies throughout U.S. Then we talked about our hobbies, shows (Gawd! He is a CSI: Miami fan! I wanna marry him NOW! LOL), our relationship history, and some of the things we’d like to do in our own spare time. You can tell the conversation was lively, and it felt like we never ran out of things to talk about. Definitely a good communicator…

Headed to a bar to catch up for more drinks… Then there we kind of sat at the bar talking about what made him interested, etc. And surprisingly enough I threw the ball back to his court. There he explained more about what his personality is and things he can do. For example, mixing drinks. I asked him what he would make me given how the weather outside and he said “I’d make you a Chocolate Martini. Kind of dreary day and cool so it would give me the warmth that is suitable with someone to cuddle up with.” He sounded very knowledgeable about mixing drinks so I think there is an advantage for someone like me who doesn’t know shit about that kind of stuff. Anway, he is pleasant to sit at the bar and have a drink with!

Given all those events, we might have the second shot coming at us very soon. We’ll see how that goes and it hopefully both of our expectation will be met. Looking forward to seeing him again…