Leave It All Behind

It’s been more than two weeks since the last time I got to hang out with Rich, and quite frankly I feel like I am yet again at a point of deserting what he and I started long after two months of knowing him since we met at Freddies on a regular Sunday evening. I know I’m wanting more from him–but I feel I’m getting less than what I anticipated to receive.

Close to a month ago was when he and I had a rather blunt, intense conversation about where we were in our relationship and the big question was where should this rather aggressive acquaintance be. At the time he felt that things were just going too fast than he expected and that he felt it was best that he take a “slow” pill while seeing what develops. He was upfront about it, for which I give him credit, and explained that he had just accepted a promotion within his company, which essentially require him to travel 80% of the time uncontrollably for the next three months. I understood what the situation was and expressed that I would try and take things slow and see where it leads us.

Sure enough he’s been traveling back and forth from one state to the other almost every week and there is definitely no stopping and I sure cannot blame him for doing his job! The last time I spoke to him though, however, was yesterday when he finished packing and was about to leave for Lancaster, PA for a five-day training – but he said he will be back on Friday night and will be home for the weekend. He plan to do low-key stuff and try and recuperate from his long week.

But, before all those traveling – being out of town days at at time – took place, he warned me about it, with which he said might make things complex, in terms of getting together, etc. Despite the fact I said I would understand it, I appear to be wanting more to be with him, if possible, everyday…

I stop and ask myself everyday – is this when it’s time to let go?

I knew that he’d tied with traveling but I have never expected it to be this overwhelming travel. Quite frankly it’s driving me nuts. Why? Because I don’t get to see him that much, I sit here and wait until he gets home and hoping he’d be around to see me. I mean really… doesn’t that sound pathetic? Yes, it does.

Time and time again I have told myself do I have the godsend patience to deal with this? I want to see him so bad but it’s almost impossible because he is never around anymore. But, when he is, he’s tied up with something else. Does that send me a message? If you’re reading this, do you get the message? Did anyone else get the message, or is it just me? To be honest, his actions are just as clear the sunny blue sky. The message I get is that he’s too busy and that he couldn’t make time for me anymore. That I can’t seem to believe…or is it just me over-reacting? Not sure what to do really, quite frankly. Should I extend my patience for one more week and see what happens? He said that he’d call me mid this week and see how I’m doing. I know I’m pathetic and I admit it – but all I want to do is see him and be with him.

My gut tells me I’m over it! Quit it and end it once and for all. If he wants you, regardless how busy his schedule is, he’d make the time to pick up the phone and make a 5-minute phone call. Don’t care if you’re brushing your teeth but dial my number and talk to me – a total girl attitude! I understood the whole traveling thing but this is not about his schedule anymore. That point of understanding has already passed. This is now a matter of the interest of wanting to see me again because he wants to and not because he has to because he is being nice.

I know for sure the fine line between genuineness and pity, and if he is hanging out with me for pitysake, well guess what, I can’t take it–run with it and stay away! I’m too good for that. I think I’m not gonna try and make plans with him simply because I hate to make the move and be rejected. If he wants to do something, I’d go but he won’t see me make the try. I think I’m pretty much done with him, in terms of trying to make connection and staying connected.

All I can say at this point is everything is on his court. I won’t try anymore… I’m happy with what I’ve got: family, friends, work, lifestyle, hobbies, etc. I certainly don’t need someone trudging me along for nothing or while trying to figure things out. As said in the movie Soldier’s Girl: “Don’t use me to figure yourself out!”. I’m still young and can find someone who might be in the same position as I am. Obviously Rich and I aren’t on the same wavelength and it is emotionally painful to be in that roller-coaster path. I’ve been there before and I certainly know when to stop.

I’ve learned to tolerate things over the years and look at them in different perspectives optimistically. However, I’m also smart what to look for, what to watch out for, and what worth keeping to give you the extra umph! in the morning for. Quite frankly, this one isn’t worth it! I hope I’m wrong. I’d rather be wrong than right.

Sorry…just venting. I will say this I can’t wait to be in San Francisco! Right there might be an opportunity to live a new life. Not sure yet whether I’m ready to leave it all behind…but time can only tell. I shall see what happens next. Anyway, I have a quite a few things I have planned during this week and all the way through this weekend. Enough to keep me occupied. Any suggestions of fun things to do, drop me a line. OK? Thanks!